Little girl was going to a party and her mother told her to be a good girl and to remember when she was leaving to thank her hostess. When she arrived home, the mother asked her if she thanked her hostess and the little girl replied: ‘No, the girl in front of me did and the lady said “Don’t mention it” – so I didn’t.’

After being on a dinner date with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.” “Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. “Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.“…Which bus would I take home?”

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.” “He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said. The man insisted, “I think he looks good and I’ll up the price to $1000!” “He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours. “The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!” The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”

“Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.”

WeÂ’ve had some problems and after a while decided to go for marriage counseling. And despite my initial reservations, I must say we got some excellent advice. Like, I should treat my wife as I did when we started dating. So last week I took her to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents!

Little Johnny, exhibiting his skill in riding a new bicycle, came down the street in front of his house. “Look, mom,” he cried, folding his arms, “no hands!” Again he came into view, this time coasting with his feet off the pedals. “Look, mom,” he shouted, “no feet!’ Half an hour passed, and Johnny again putting his appearance. This time, somewhat subdued (softened) he gurgled, “Look, mom no front tooth.”

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. “Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector. “Yes, that was it!” “You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!” “Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”

“A mom was playing “tooth fairy” and putting money under her little daughter’s pillow when the child awoke and caught her in the act. The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the tooth fairy. But she was spared the trouble. “You put that money back!” her daughter said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”

A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller, “Do you have any grapes?” “No.” he replies. This same thing happens the next day. On the third day the teller replies, “No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!” On the next the penguin walks in and asks,” Got any nails? “No.” Replies the teller. “Got any grapes!” The penguin asks!

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, “It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Could you please prescribe me something for my headaches?” “OK,” says the doctor, “take this, follow the instructions and come back in two weeks.” After two weeks, the lady is back and complains, “I’m sorry doctor. I’ve been using this for the past two weeks, I followed the instructions on the package – but nothing happened.” The doctor is concerned, “That’s unusual Mrs. Grimky, what were the instructions exactly?” “Well, keep the lid tightly screwed on at all times.”

A man is telling a bartender about the craziest day of his life. “It was unreal,” the man recalls. “I’m on this horse that’s galloping at top speed. On the right side of me is this elephant going as fast as the horse. Right in front of us is another horse going just fast enough so we don’t hit him, and about ten feet behind us is a lion giving chase. He could catch us at any minute!” The bartender is in shock. “My God,” he says to man. “What did you do?” “Well, I had no choice,” the man replies, taking a sip of his beer. “I got my drunk butt off that merry-go-round as fast as possible.”

A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam. The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation. “On what?” the man asks. The dentist responds quickly, “Your nose.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at meÂ… I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but donÂ’t worry it will take just five minutes. Patient: And how much will it cost? Dentist: ItÂ’s $90.00. Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?

A man walked into a bar and saw two enormous porterhouses hanging from the ceiling. He asked the bartender, “Hey, barkeep. What’s with the meat on your ceiling?” The bartender put down the glass we was diligently cleaning. “I bet everyone who comes in here $20 that they can’t pull one of them down,” replied the bartender. “Care to try?” “Oh no”, said the man, “The steaks are too high.”

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.” “Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.” I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him. Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.” “I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue. “Things have really gotten crazy here,” the first man says. “Did you know the football coach makes three times the salary as the head of the English department?” The second man responds, “Well, that kind of makes sense. I’m pretty sure 100,000 screaming fans wouldn’t show up on Saturday for a lecture on Shakespeare.”

Yesterday, I had to change a lightbulb, so I went to the hardware store to buy a bulb. I followed a chicken across the street. Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no legs. When I got home, I heard a knock-knock at my door. There stood Little Johnny. And it was then I realized: my life is just one big joke!