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I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
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I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
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My English teacher told me that the file I sent her was corrupt, and that she couldn’t open it. I suggested bribing it.
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My English teacher told me that the file I sent her was corrupt, and that she couldn’t open it. I suggested bribing it.
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When I was young, a bully was trying to pick a fight with me. He said, “My dad can whoop your dad!” I replied, “So what, so can my mom!”
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When I was young, a bully was trying to pick a fight with me. He said, “My dad can whoop your dad!” I replied, “So what, so can my mom!”
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Him: Will marry me? Her: No. (2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon).
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Him: Will marry me? Her: No. (2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon).
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Ah, Christmas — the time when you sit in front of a dead tree, eating candy out of your socks.
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Ah, Christmas — the time when you sit in front of a dead tree, eating candy out of your socks.
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I am wonder woman…I wonder where my keys are, wonder where I left my purse and wonder where my money went!
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I am wonder woman…I wonder where my keys are, wonder where I left my purse and wonder where my money went!
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Fun Fact! Did you know that the word ‘nothing’ is a palindrome? Backwards it spells ‘gnihton’, which also means nothing.
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Fun Fact! Did you know that the word ‘nothing’ is a palindrome? Backwards it spells ‘gnihton’, which also means nothing.
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I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse…I named him Jake from Steak Farm.
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I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse…I named him Jake from Steak Farm.
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As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
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As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
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I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
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I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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“Listen to your body more.” My Body: “Youre old. And you want lasagna.”
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“Listen to your body more.” My Body: “Youre old. And you want lasagna.”
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What one thing you never anyone say about a banjo player? “That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.”
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What one thing you never anyone say about a banjo player? “That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.”
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Whoeve coined the phrase, ‘coined the phrase’, coined the phrase.
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Whoeve coined the phrase, ‘coined the phrase’, coined the phrase.
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If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
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If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
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Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
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Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
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My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance. It’s cool, I just don’t think they should add “LOL” at the end.
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My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance. It’s cool, I just don’t think they should add “LOL” at the end.
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Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist’s sigh had a
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Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered. “We have over 300 guests at at this facility” she said. “Does this ‘Jim’ have a last name?”
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while Im doing my job.
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while Im doing my job.
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I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
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I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
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TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
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TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
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Why don’t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
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Why don’t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?