The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right. “Fine.” I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye, and said, “I’m wrong.”I grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, Mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

A man walked into a bar and saw two enormous porterhouses hanging from the ceiling. He asked the bartender, “Hey, barkeep. What’s with the meat on your ceiling?” The bartender put down the glass he was diligently cleaning. “I bet everyone who comes in here $20 that they can’t pull one of them down,” replied the bartender. “Care to try?” “Oh no”, said the man, “The steaks are too high.”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. “A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

A 4-year-old boy was asked to say a prayer before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, and even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell the wife?” They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.” Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home. “The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. When he landed at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree, and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers, and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed, and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy Bird turned to Daddy Bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale. “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied. “Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

True story. Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.” Customer: “OK.” Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?” Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?” Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?” – “Watch”, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?” A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

A clueless man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: “Take only one, God is watching.” Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies — one of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ — ‘Twelve thirty.’

I went for an interview today and they told me I’d start at $3000 a month and then after six months, I’d get $3500 a month. I told them I’d start in six months.

Actually said in court: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Top 10 things to say if you’re caught napping at your desk: # 10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.” # 9. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.” # 8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!” # 7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.” # 6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.” # 5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?” # 4. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.” # 3. “The coffee machine is broken.” # 2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.” # 1. “– in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

[Boyfriend talking to girlfriend’s father] Father: So you want to be my son-in-law, do you? Boyfriend: Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven’t much choice!

Funny signs in restaurants: People who find the waitresses rude ought to see the manager — We serve people like you as good food. — Today’s Specials, Soup $5.00, Dessert $3.50, Children, $4.00.

A family of mice was surprised by a bigcat. Father Mouse jumped and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”

My wife accused me of not liking her family and relatives. I replied, No, I don’t dislike your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.