A couple sits on a sofa. He has a foot odor and she has a mouth odor. After a moment of awkward silence, she says, “Paul, I have to tell you something.” “No need,” Paul raises his hand, “it’s OK. I know you ate my socks.”

My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately, I have no idea what she looks like these days.

A clueless young man is picking up a girl to go on a date. Her dad looked at him very sternly and said, “I want her home by midnight, young man!” – The young man replied, “What do you mean? You already own her home!”

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.” I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?” “He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?” “He will.”

Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.” So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch, please.” The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.” The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line —

Actual Signs: At a plastic surgeon’s office – “We can help you pick your nose!” At a car dealership – “The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a payment!” At an optometrist’s office – “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” At the electric company – “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. however, if you don’t, you will be.”

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you. “The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Actual News Headlines: Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures — Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge — Deer Kill 17,000 — Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead — Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge — New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.” Next, though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.” The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?” The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as they can fit in the cannon.”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the heck was that all about?’

Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise. ”After a few minutes of haggling. The boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave. “By the way,’ asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, ‘which three companies are after you?” Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re not impressed with his tattoos, haircut, and piercings. Later the mom says to her daughter, “I’m concerned dear, he doesn’t look like a nice man.” The daughter replied, “Oh please Mom, if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man’s wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says ‘Plethora.’ The wife smiles, and says, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and in an irritated voice, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I ?!”

My girlfriend now says she’s leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman — what a joker. A few months earlier, she threatened to leave because I’m not an effective communicator — fortunately, the email I sent her about it changed her mind.

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”