The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. When called upon the first student says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.” Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” Teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct.” Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher replied, “No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion.” The student replies, “Then I definitely pooped in my pants.”

Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, “How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?” “I’m the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I’m very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!” The driver shakes the young man’s hand and replies, “Congratulations, young man. I’m George, class of 1968.”

Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn’t want to live with either one – that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys – they never beat anybody.

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: “Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?” “I just go and clean the toilet,” his wife replied. “How does that help?” asked her husband. “I use your toothbrush.”

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, “Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!” The other Buddy says, “When my wife goes off on me I just don’t listen.” How do you do that?’ says the other. “It’s easy! I turn off the light.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.”

Elsie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband copied and retouched. She said to the technician, “I have always hated the hat that my husband is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?” “Of course,” said the technician; “what color hair did your husband have?” “When you take the hat off, you’ll see,” she said.

Mary took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Mary to one side and said, “I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone.” “I’m not really surprised,” Mary replied, “Bernie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years.”

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.After seeing this, the teacher asked him, “Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

Two not so bright guys looking for work arrive at a train station and ask for one-way tickets. The ticketing agent looked through his schedule, but couldn’t find the place they wanted to go. “But you must be able to find it,” says one. “We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy.”

Kofi walks in to a restaurant and wants to order chicken. Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can’t remember how to say chicken in English. Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it. Kofi points to the plate of eggs and in broken English says to the waiter, “I want their mother!”

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino’s holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.”I haven’t ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.””No, it’s not,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner.”

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded, “When we were first married we came to an agreement – I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And now, after 60 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision.

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm.The attendant asked a business man, “Would you like a drink?”“Why not,” he replied unkindly. “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.”

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep the entire store.” “But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how.”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.” As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, third to a preacher and I’m now married to an undertaker. “Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.”

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked. “We’re a military family,” the wife answered. “Children?” “Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly. “Animals?” “Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re well behaved.”

Two scientists were discussing their latest behavior-modification research. “We’ve started something new,” said the first scientist. “For some of our more dangerous experiments, we’re now using lawyers.” “Lawyers?” questioned her colleague. “But we’ve always used rats.” “Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats.”

Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home, because he was performing an appendectomy. “My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?” “Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.