Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. “Terence, I’m trusting you to take care of the family while I’m gone. You’re going to be the man of the house. “Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, “In that case, I’m gonna need the remote.”

A man went into his shrink’s office and says, “Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I’m a sports car.” The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?” “Relax,” says the doctor; “you’re just having an auto-body experience.”

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the summer. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said. “That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?” Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.”

Jacky walked into his house from school crying; his mom saw him and said, “What’s wrong, Jacky?” Jacky replied, “I lost a quarter at school!” “There, there,” replied his mother, “here’s another,” handing him a quarter. Jacky cries even louder; this time his mother, upset, says, “What’s the matter now?” Jacky says, “I wish I said I lost a dollar.”

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

A policeman caught a nasty little boy, with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. “Now listen here,” the policeman said. “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you” “In that case,” said the boy, “I’ll kiss it on the forehead and let it go.”

The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on. “You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background” the lawyer sneered. The witness replied, “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage? she asked, winded. “Never again!” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!”

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. “It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for “Name of your former bank.” After a slight hesitation, she put down “Piggy.”

A man is walking along a beach and finds a bottle. When he rubs the bottle, a genie appears and says, “I can grant you one wish.” “Well,” says the man, “I have never been too fond of flying, so could you make a highway from California to Hawaii?” The genie says, “Do you know how much of my power that would take?” The man says, “Okay, I have never really understood women, so could you make that happen?” The genie says, “You want that highway two lane or four lane?”

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. When called upon the first student says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.” Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” Teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct.” Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher replied, “No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion.” The student replies, “Then I definitely pooped in my pants.”

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Little Susie was mother’s little helper and always set the table when company was coming for dinner. The table was set, the visitors had arrived and everyone sat down at the table when Mother noticed that something was missing. “Susie, you didn’t put a knife and fork out for Mr. Grover,” mother said. “I didn’t think he would need them, Mommy,” Susie explained. “Daddy says he eats like a horse.”

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.” How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.” The next day, the pastor was over at Emily’s family’s house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”

Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?” Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.” “That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you.”

A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom,”Why are some of your hairs gray?”The mom replies cleverly, “Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray.” The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks,”Is that why all Grandma’s hairs are gray?”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.” So Little Johnny asked, “Then why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”And the lady said, “Pardon?”

Three little boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money.”

A stranded motorist knocked on the door of an inn named “George and the Dragon.”“Could you spare a poor stranded motorist a bite to eat?” he asked the woman who answered the door.“No!” she screamed, slamming the door.A few seconds later he knocked again. The same woman answered the door.“Could I please have a bite to eat?” he asked again.“Get out, you good-for-nothing!” shouted the woman. “And don’t you ever come back!”After a few minutes there’s another knock at the door. The woman comes to the door.“Pardon,” said the motorist, “but could I have a few words with George this time?”