During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student’s test-taking habit.” Mr. Walters,” the professor began. “Is there something interesting written on your palm?” “Not at all,” Billy replied. “It’s all pretty boring.”

A factory owner said to a store owner, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had 20 customers like you.” “Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.” The factory owner said, “I’d still like 20 customers like you. The problem is, I have 200.”

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?” “We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” I reassured him.” Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted. “Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped. “OK,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” “Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.” “Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.” Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”

At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. “I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained.”

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn’t be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church. Please don’t let me be late to church….” And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, “Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove me either.”

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. His lawyer argued, “Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years.” “Your Honor,” the plaintiff’s lawyer retored, “if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years.”

A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge. “Your Honor,” his lawyer said, “I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What’s more, he is only able to speak a few words of English. “The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, “How much English do you speak? “The defendant looked up and replied, “Give me your wallet.”

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” the priest replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.” When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s home and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him as well. “He’s gone to Rome, to blow out that candle.”

The HMO insurance account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior Modification Re-enforcers.” Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers?” – “Lollipops,” was the reply.

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but South West Airlines Flight 570 will board from Gate 41. “So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not 10 minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. Again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again. “Thank you for participating in South West Airlines physical fitness program.”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him. “Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked. “I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

While directing a chorus rehearsal one day, the director was waving his arms and singing right along. All of a sudden a big fly flew right into his mouth. Of course, he had to stop directing while he was spitting and sputtering, trying to get rid of it. When he finally got it out, it landed on the floor, either wounded or dead. Someone from the back of the room yells, “Hey Will, your fly is down!”

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick’s lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again!” And what would you like for Christmas?” he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, “You really need to write these things down.”

A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. “Okay, I’ve some bad news, and some good news.” “Right, what’s the bad news?” “It’s DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime.” “So what’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is way down.”

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?” “Fertilizer,” the farmer replied. “What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy. “Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer. “You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend’s house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football. “It’s all right, mom,” he said, brightly; “you don’t have to buy them another! Charlie’s mum said it was irreplaceable.”

Two couples were catching up after not seeing each other for years. “And soon after we were married, we were blessed with a chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth.” “Oh, you’ve had a baby!” “Nope. Sarah’s mother moved in with us!”

One night, a mother was walking past her young daughter’s room when she saw the little girl kneeling by her bed, head bowed, hands folded, reciting the alphabet. “What are you doing, sweetheart?” the mother asked. “I’m saying my prayers, Mommy,” replied the little girl, “but I couldn’t think of what I wanted to say, so I’m saying the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together whichever way He feels is best.”

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.” Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside. When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he knocked on the cabin door. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammer ed at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, “Who’s there?!?!”