A man comes to dinner at a new friend’s house. While they eat, the new friend’s small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, “Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?” The kid says, “Daddy told me you were a self-made man. ”I am.” ”Well, why did you make yourself like that.”

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. “So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?” But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it.” The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.” The bartender said, “Let me guess, your only son?”

When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. “Yes,” he said. “I know what we’re going to name it. If it is a girl, we’re calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we’re going to call it Quits.”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

When Little Johnny got his exam paper back, he saw a big red F staring back at him. Billy looked at his glum friend and asked, “Why did you get such a low mark on that test?” “Because of absence,” Johnny answered. “You mean you were absent on the day of the test?” Billy inquired. Little Johnny replied, “I wasn’t, but the kid who sits next to me was.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. “The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says: “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.” The new man asked: “And…what happened?” “One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!”

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. -Love Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can’t study eNOugh. -Love, Dad

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain killers because I’m in a big hurry. No gas or needles or any of that stuff.” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said: “Show him your tooth, dear.”

A Cub Scout troop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely: “Why are you so late?” “Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.” “That’s a nice, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.” “Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, ”Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.” The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ”Dad, Jesus had long hair. .”And the dad replied, ”Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn”t he?”

Census Taker: “How many children do you have?” Woman: “Four.” Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?” Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.” Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?” Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe!”

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply: “I’m Mr. Hudson’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say: “I’m Jane Hudson. “The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said: “Aren’t you Mr. Hudson’s daughter?” She replied: “Well, I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional etc.” Now do you understand?” he asked.” I think so,” she said, “…is that when mommy came to work for us?”

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.” Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Tech Support: “Now Bob, type the ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: “Where is it?” Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “What do you mean?” Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!”

Dentist begging the patient: “Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?” Patient: “Why? Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time.” Dentist: “There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock ball game.”

Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered. The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?” “How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”

I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you do remember me?” I asked. “Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but you definitely leave a lasting one.”

Husband: “Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.” Wife: “Who is Sabrina?”

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?” The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where in tarnation have you been all night?” she demands .”At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – heck, even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors? “”Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”

Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.” “But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”