A little girl was sitting on her granddad’s lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes off the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face. After a few times doing this, she finally asked, “Grandpa, were you made by God?” “Yes, dear,” he replied. “I was made by God a long time ago.” The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, “And did God make me?” “Of course, dear.” replied her grandfather. “God made you not long ago.” The girl felt her own face and then her granddad’s again, thought for a moment and then said, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he.”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?” “Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

At the gates of heaven, a new arrival, George, noted that there were two paths, one marked Women and one marked Men. He took the latter path and found that it lead to two gates. The gate on the right had a sign that said: “Men who were dominated by their Wives.” The gate had a long line of men waiting to go in. The sign on the left read: “Men who dominated their Wives.” There was only a scrawny little fellow at this gate. George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, “Why are you at this gate?” The little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me to stand here.”

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket. She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away. The man replied, “That’s exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe.”

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: “Doctor what’s wrong with me?” The doctor looks at the man and replies: “You’re not eating properly.”

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object. ”Paul replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.” “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?” “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore. “”I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack. “That must be expensive,” Bob replied. “He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.”$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob. “I don’t know. That’s his problem.”

“Dad, who built the Suez Canal?” “I don’t know, son.” “Dad, who discovered penicillin?” “I’ve no idea, son.” “Dad, what’s the capital of Italy?” “I ain’t got a clue, son.” “Dad, you don’t mind me asking all these questions do you?” “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask, you won’t learn anything.”

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the history teacher that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the history teacher selects infinite wisdom.”Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the history teacher, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.” The history teacher sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.” The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.” Doug replied, “Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.”

A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Alaskan Gold Rush town of Skagway. I’d heard how guys are the majority in that part of the country, so I asked her, “What’s the ratio of men to women here?” “In Skagway? About one to one. But I’m told Juneau has something like ten men for every woman,” she said. “Why didn’t you move there?” I asked. “The odds seem so much better.” “Oh, the odds are good,” she acknowledged with a smile, “but the goods are odd.”

A pizza delivery man hands a monk a pizza. The monk then pays for it with a $20 bill. As the delivery man starts to walk away, the Buddhist then says, Where’s my change?” The delivery man replies, “Change comes from within.”

An old deaf guy gets fitted for a hearing aid, and it works like a charm. He comes back a week later and the doctor asks, “Is your family happy that you can hear again?” And he says, “I haven’t told them, I just sit around and listen… I have changed my will three times!

Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, third to a preacher and I’m now married to an undertaker. “Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!”

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically. “Relative of yours?” The wife replied, “in-laws.”

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a cocktail party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” And why not, darling?”, the father asked. “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, “What was all that about?” He replied, “Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, “We fought again, I can’t do this anymore. I am coming to live with you.” Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, “June.” “Yes, this is June.” “Will you marry me?” “Of course I will! Who’s this?”

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason. Now at last I’ve managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I’m going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it.

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette table she says, “I have no idea what number to play.” A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 39. The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman’s face and she fainted.”

At the parole hearing, the officer asked: “Tell me, why should you be released early?” The inmate responded, “It’s beca…” Officer: “Yes?” Inmate: “I think I have..” Officer: “Go on.” Inmate: “Can I Please finish my sentence?” Officer: “Sure. Parole denied.”

Two idiots were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Man One: “I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!” Man Two: “Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder! it’s starting to rain, and the top is down!”​