A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. “Is Fred home”? he asked the woman who answered the door. “Sorry,” the woman replied. “Fred’s gone for cotton. “The next day, the collector tried again. “Is Fred here today”? “No, sir,” she said. “I’m afraid Fred has gone for cotton.” When he returned the third day, he ho-hummed…”I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?”. “No,” the woman answered solemnly. “Fred died yesterday.” Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred’s tombstone, with this inscription :”Gone, but not for cotton.”

A German man is traveling through Poland when he’s stopped at a security checkpoint. The Polish Security Officer asks, “Where are you traveling from?” The German man says, “Berlin. “The Polish Security Officer asks, “Occupation?” The German man says, “No, just visiting.”

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn’t notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

A a not so bright gal is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.” When she returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” The gal nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.” “From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor. “No, from all that skipping.”

Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing. “Honey,” he said, “I wish you’d sing the songs about Women’s Day.” “That’s nice of you, Bob,” she said. “Why?” “Then I’d only have to hear you once a year!”

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?” My daughter answered, “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”

Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.He said, very softly, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

A hunting party is hopelessly lost.“I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.“I am,“ replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, “Guess who?” The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?.”

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife “mother of six.” His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids. One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife: “Mother of six, are you ready to go?” Annoyed with his question, she responded: “In a minute, Father of four.”

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience. The man said, “Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew. “”Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?” “Yes he did,” the man replied. “And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?” “Yes he did,” the man replied. “And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”” Just once,” the man replied. The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?” The man said, “I was looking for my father.”

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?” Soldier: “Sure thing.” Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?” Soldier: “NO, SIR!”

Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out. The two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in. One day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed. “However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?” asked Mama. “Easy,” said Out. “Instinct!”

I went to the liquor store on my bike. There I bought a bottle of vodka, which I put in the basket on the front of my bike. Then it occurred to me that if I were to fall off my bike, the bottle might break. So I drank it all empty right there and then. It was a good thing that I did too, because I fell seven times on the way home.

Two men are drinking in a bar, they pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in. The bartender comes over and says “you can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches.

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.” She says, “No problem, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them.”

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. “No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one. “The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?” “Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.” “OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”

When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” after a swear word… …I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French.

Darling,” said the young man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?” “Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she answered. “But what will you live on?”

A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”

After a lengthy conference with her estranged husband, her lawyer reported, “Mrs. LaMay, I’ve made a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.” “Fair to both?!?” Mrs. LaMay exploded. “I could have done that myself! Why did I hire a lawyer?”

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage. “When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem. “The flight attendant smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, “You must be single.” The woman was surprised & replies, “Yes, how did you know?” The clerk answers, “Because you’re unattractive.”