NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research. “The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

The preacher was going for a dinner visit at the home of a family where the Dad was a member of the church but the mother was not. The mother was agreeable that her husband could invite the preacher to the house for a meal though. When the preacher arrived, the mother was still working in the kitchen so he sat in the living room getting acquainted with the children. “What are we having for dinner?” he asked. “Crow,” said the little girl. “Oh,” he said, perplexed, “do you mean chicken?” “No,” said the little girl. “Mommy said we are having the ole crow for dinner.”

The math teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.” Johnny,” the teacher asked, “where is the decimal point now?” “On the eraser!” came back the quick reply.

A very exited mother asked her daughter, “Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?” Her daughter replied, “Better than that, four of them recognized it!”

At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row. “Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?” “As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology. Oh good,” says the man, “then this is my row.”

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replied, “That would be my wife.

A father texts his son: “My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father. “His son texts back: “Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t actually until tomorrow!” His Father replies: “I know.”

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” She replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

Jeff was writing something very slowly. A friend asked:” Why are you writing so slowly? Then Jeff replied: “I’m writing to my 6 yr old son, he can’t read very fast.”

One day, while out at recess, two boys noticed that a van began rolling down the parking lot with no one in the driver’s seat. They quickly ran to the vehicle, jumped in, and put on the emergency brake. Seconds later, the door opened and there was the principal, his face red with anger. “What’s going on?” he asked. “We stopped this van from rolling away,” said one of the boys. The principal, huffing and sweaty, said, “I know. It stalled, and I was pushing it.”

The captain of a cavalry fort was having breakfast when his lieutenant ran in the door. “Captain,” he said with a salute, “we’ve just received an urgent letter from our desert outpost. It states their dire need of water.” “The water supply should arrive there in a few days. They can wait,” said the captain. “Sir, I don’t believe so,” the lieutenant replied. “The stamp was attached to the envelope with a paper clip.”

A man was visiting his alma mater. He paused to admire the newly constructed Shakespeare Hall. “It’s marvelous to see a building named for William Shakespeare,” he commented to the tour guide. “Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named for Stephen Shakespeare. No relation.” “Oh, was Stephen Shakespeare a writer, also?” the visitor asked. “Well, yes,” said his guide. “He wrote the check.

The clergyman of a large church, having just arrived in Fort Smith, was being shaved by a local barber that was addicted to occasional drinking sprees. There was an unmistakable odor of whisky around the barber’s face and the razor suddenly nicked the man’s face. “You see, that comes from taking too much drink,” said the clergyman.” You’re right,” said the barber. “Drinking does make the skin tender, that’s a fact.”

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late … and you’re still not ready?”

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the boy walked all over the neighborhood, retrieving the birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home. “Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy told his father reluctantly, “but I managed to find all nine of them.” “You did well, son,” the farmer said, “because you left with only six.”

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” replied the little girl, shyly.” Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie,” the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, “Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!”

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ”How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 90 years old, how do you honestly feel?” ”Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself”

Mrs. Oliver asked her class to write a composition on the subject of baseball. “You have thirty minutes to complete it,” she told her class. Sarah handed in her paper after writing for less than a minute. “You can’t be finished already,” said Mrs. Oliver. “Yes, I am,” proclaimed Sarah. Mrs. Oliver looked at her paper and read: “Game called off on account of rain.”

A snail goes to buy a car. The salesman is surprised when the snail picks out a fast, expensive sports car. He’s even more surprised when the snail requires that a big red “S” be painted on both sides. “Why would you want such a thing?” asked the salesman. The snail replied, “I want people to say, ‘Look at that S car go!’”

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him. “Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked. “I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”