The new housekeeper answered the telephone and replied, “Yes, you are correct.” Again the phone rang and the housekeeper answered it. “Yes, ma’am, it certainly is!” “Who was that?” asked the owner of the house. “I really don’t know,” she replied. “Some woman kept saying, ‘It’s a long-distance call from Canada,’ and I said, ‘It certainly is.”

A clueless girl is flying in a plane when her pilot keels over. She calls out: “Mayday! Mayday! My pilot is dead!”Air traffic control responds, “Don’t worry, I’ll talk you through this. What’s your height and position?””I’m five-four and I’m in the plane,” she says.”Repeat after me,” says the voice. “Our Father, who art in heaven….”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had leased a beautiful place and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting behind his desk, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “May I help you?” “Sure,” the man said. “I’ve come to hook up your phone!”

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” The father replied, “That’s disgusting, don’t talk about things like that over dinner”. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” – “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor’s desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, “Where is God?” The boy just sits there and doesn’t answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, “Where is God?” The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn’t answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy’s refusal to converse and practically shouts “Where is God?” To the pastor’s surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother’s room. He shuts the door and pants, “We’re in BIG TROUBLE. God’s missing and they think we did it!”

A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, “What will it be today?” Guy says, “Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up.” Barber says, “Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that? “Guy says, “That’s how you cut it last time.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s suit!”

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?” The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The woman looked at him strangely and asked “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere,” he replied.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plain. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage? she asked, winded. “Never again!” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my friend can buy the ticket!

Cletus and Clovis went to the big city to spend the day to hang out. While they were there they walked by a court house and decided to pay a visit while a trial was in progress… Cletus: “I’ve no doubt about this case. One glance at that fellow over there tells me he’s guilty.” Clovis: “Shssh! That’s the judge!”

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner. ”The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner. ”The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”

A man crosses the road from a hospital and enters a bar and immediately asks for three whiskey shots and a beer. The barman pours the drinks and the man swallows each whiskey in one swallow. The barman is alarmed by this and expresses his concern, only for the man to reply, ”IF YOU HAD WHAT I HAVE THEN YOU WOULD BE KNOCKING THE DRINKS BACK TOO!” The barman places the beer on the counter and watches the man chug down the brew and asks sympathetically, “What have you got?” The man places the empty glass down and replies, “An empty wallet.”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What was that all about?”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

A woman who’s 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby… Doc: “You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you.” Woman: “Oh no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot. What did he name the girl?” Doc: “Denise” Woman: “Oh, that’s not too bad. What did he name the boy?” Doc: “Denephew.”

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s not intelligent may stand up!” Nobody stands up Teacher: “I’m sure there are some students over here!!” Little Johnny stands up Teacher: “Ohh…Johnny you think you’re not intelligent?” Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets.” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

Poodle Insurance. A life insurance salesman was talking to a wife: “What will you get if your husband dies, You know…at the end of his life. “The woman thought and thought some more, And then she scratched her noodle. “Well, I guess, you know, with my husband gone, I’d probably get a poodle.”?

A couple is lying in bed. It’s the middle of the night and there’s a knock on the door at three in the morning, and the guy gets up out of bed and opens the door. He comes back to bed and his wife says, ‘Who is that?’ And he says, ‘Oh, some stranger who wanted a push. I told him I couldn’t help him.’ She says, ‘What if that was you? What if you needed a push in the middle of the night?’ He says, ‘You’re right. Fine.’ So he gets dressed and he goes out into the darkness and yells, ‘Hey man, are you still there? Do you still need help?’ The guy yells back, ‘Yeah, I do!’ He says, ‘Where are you?’ And he says, ‘I’m over here on the swing.”

Lady to the doctor over the phone. “Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribe me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it. “Doctor:” Just come over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soonbe able to wear your wonderful new dress.” Lady: “ Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.”