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Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.
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Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.
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Age is like underwear – it creeps up on you when you least expect it.
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Age is like underwear – it creeps up on you when you least expect it.
Social Posts
My wife and I often exchange opinions. I come with my own and leave with hers.
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My wife and I often exchange opinions. I come with my own and leave with hers.
Social Posts
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate — would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
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If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate — would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
Social Posts
Chocolate is the best investment. You buy 1 pound you gain 2 pounds!
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Chocolate is the best investment. You buy 1 pound you gain 2 pounds!
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Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your entire life without them.
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Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your entire life without them.
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Studies show that 99% of Dans are not, “The man”.
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Studies show that 99% of Dans are not, “The man”.
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I got all sentimental when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out hes been looking for an expiration date.
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I got all sentimental when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out hes been looking for an expiration date.
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I just realized that the paper towels at the side of the gas pump are there so you can wipe your tears after you fill your tank.
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I just realized that the paper towels at the side of the gas pump are there so you can wipe your tears after you fill your tank.
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My girlfriend has started calling my hair ‘the economy’ — It’s begun showing strong signs of a recession.
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My girlfriend has started calling my hair ‘the economy’ — It’s begun showing strong signs of a recession.
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I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers. She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
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I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers. She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
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You can’t make everyone happy, you’re not pizza.
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You can’t make everyone happy, you’re not pizza.
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My bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
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My bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
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We were so poor growing up, we ate ordinary K for breakfast.
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We were so poor growing up, we ate ordinary K for breakfast.
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I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like, “Let’s go for a run” or “Try this kale”.
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I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like, “Let’s go for a run” or “Try this kale”.
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Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.
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Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.
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Stop giving children Bible names without Bible lessons — yesterday I was robbed by Moses.
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Stop giving children Bible names without Bible lessons — yesterday I was robbed by Moses.
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I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos.
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I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos.
Social Posts
Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted, “Sorry, wrong number”.
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Received a text from the wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later she texted, “Sorry, wrong number”.
Social Posts
Today, I asked my phone Siri, why am I still single? — it activated the front camera.
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Today, I asked my phone Siri, why am I still single? — it activated the front camera.
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My wife won’t stop getting on my case about me for spending $75 on a fake Rolex. Really, she hasn’t stopped nagging me since 1.83 o’clock.
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My wife won’t stop getting on my case about me for spending $75 on a fake Rolex. Really, she hasn’t stopped nagging me since 1.83 o’clock.
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I never question myself. Why should I start now?
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I never question myself. Why should I start now?
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I don’t understand fast food. I’ve been eating it for years and I seem to be getting slower and slower.
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I don’t understand fast food. I’ve been eating it for years and I seem to be getting slower and slower.
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You know what they say about cliffhangers – – –
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You know what they say about cliffhangers – – –