A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained: “You can’t park anywhere near this place!”

I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me. She said she wanted to see other people.

I don’t have a girlfriend – I just know a few people who would get mad if I said that.

(Bus Drivier Interview) Applicant: Sorry I’m late! Interviewer: You’re hired!

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he’s up to these days.

e=mc2 was probably just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers.

Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, “Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today.” The grandson says, “No, you go hide. I told her you died!”

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Ever wonder about those people who spend so much money on those little bottles of Evian brand water? Try spelling Evian backwards.