Short Jokes
I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.
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I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.
Puns
These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not.
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These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not.
Long Jokes
At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
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At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Short Jokes
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate
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“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Long Jokes
So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” “Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two
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So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” “Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.” “Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.” Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”
Long Jokes
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?” “We’ll drive slowly
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When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?” “We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” I reassured him.” Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted. “Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped. “OK,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”
Short Jokes
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Long Jokes
A factory owner said to a store owner, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had 20 customers like you.” “Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but
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A factory owner said to a store owner, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had 20 customers like you.” “Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.” The factory owner said, “I’d still like 20 customers like you. The problem is, I have 200.”
Puns
While out hiking, I came to a fenced-in pasture with a huge bull. The sign on the fence read: “It’s okay with me for you to cross this field for
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While out hiking, I came to a fenced-in pasture with a huge bull. The sign on the fence read: “It’s okay with me for you to cross this field for free. But the bull charges!”
Long Jokes
During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam,
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During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student’s test-taking habit.” Mr. Walters,” the professor began. “Is there something interesting written on your palm?” “Not at all,” Billy replied. “It’s all pretty boring.”
Long Jokes
A stranded motorist knocked on the door of an inn named “George and the Dragon.”“Could you spare a poor stranded motorist a bite to eat?” he asked the woman who
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A stranded motorist knocked on the door of an inn named “George and the Dragon.”“Could you spare a poor stranded motorist a bite to eat?” he asked the woman who answered the door.“No!” she screamed, slamming the door.A few seconds later he knocked again. The same woman answered the door.“Could I please have a bite to eat?” he asked again.“Get out, you good-for-nothing!” shouted the woman. “And don’t you ever come back!”After a few minutes there’s another knock at the door. The woman comes to the door.“Pardon,” said the motorist, “but could I have a few words with George this time?”
Short Jokes
A child comes home from his first day at school.His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
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A child comes home from his first day at school.His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
Short Jokes
Children certainly brighten up a home…whoever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
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Children certainly brighten up a home…whoever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
Puns
What do you call two guys that hang out by the window? Kurt & Rod.
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What do you call two guys that hang out by the window? Kurt & Rod.
Puns
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it’s indivisible.
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Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it’s indivisible.
Puns
I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
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I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.
Short Jokes
It feels amazing to walk into a store and buy whatever I want without lookin gat the price tag. Thank you Dollar Tree.
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It feels amazing to walk into a store and buy whatever I want without lookin gat the price tag. Thank you Dollar Tree.
Long Jokes
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn’t be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let
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One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn’t be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church. Please don’t let me be late to church….” And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, “Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove me either.”
Puns
Horse walks into a bar… Bartender: Hey. Horse: Sure.
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Horse walks into a bar… Bartender: Hey. Horse: Sure.
Short Jokes
My patience is basically like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.
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My patience is basically like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.
Short Jokes
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “Waiter,” he shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?” “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly
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John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “Waiter,” he shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?” “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”
Long Jokes
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the
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While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. “I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained.”
Short Jokes
When I was in school my nickname was “Batteries” because I was never included in anything.
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When I was in school my nickname was “Batteries” because I was never included in anything.
Short Jokes
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday. That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday. That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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