A man comes to dinner at a new friend’s house. While they eat, the new friend’s small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, “Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?” The kid says, “Daddy told me you were a self-made man. ”I am.” ”Well, why did you make yourself like that.”

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside. When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he knocked on the cabin door. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammer ed at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, “Who’s there?!?!”

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.” Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

One night, a mother was walking past her young daughter’s room when she saw the little girl kneeling by her bed, head bowed, hands folded, reciting the alphabet. “What are you doing, sweetheart?” the mother asked. “I’m saying my prayers, Mommy,” replied the little girl, “but I couldn’t think of what I wanted to say, so I’m saying the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together whichever way He feels is best.”

Two couples were catching up after not seeing each other for years. “And soon after we were married, we were blessed with a chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth.” “Oh, you’ve had a baby!” “Nope. Sarah’s mother moved in with us!”

When Little Johnny got his exam paper back, he saw a big red F staring back at him. Billy looked at his glum friend and asked, “Why did you get such a low mark on that test?” “Because of absence,” Johnny answered. “You mean you were absent on the day of the test?” Billy inquired. Little Johnny replied, “I wasn’t, but the kid who sits next to me was.”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. “Yes,” he said. “I know what we’re going to name it. If it is a girl, we’re calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we’re going to call it Quits.”

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. “So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?” But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it.” The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.” The bartender said, “Let me guess, your only son?”