Social Posts
I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
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I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
Short Jokes
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
Puns
How do you help an injured pig? With an oinkment.
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How do you help an injured pig? With an oinkment.
Short Jokes
Magistrate: “What was he doing when you arrested him?” Policeman: “He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor.” Magistrate: “That is no proof he was drunk. “Policeman: “Well, Your
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Magistrate: “What was he doing when you arrested him?” Policeman: “He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor.” Magistrate: “That is no proof he was drunk. “Policeman: “Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there.”
Short Jokes
Husband and wife went for divorce to the court. Judge: “You have 3 kids, how will you divide them?” They had a long discussion and finally wife replied, “Ok your
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Husband and wife went for divorce to the court. Judge: “You have 3 kids, how will you divide them?” They had a long discussion and finally wife replied, “Ok your honor, we will come back next year with 1 more.” 9 months later…they got twins.
Short Jokes
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
Long Jokes
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need. $o
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Dear Dad, $chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. -Love Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can’t study eNOugh. -Love, Dad
Short Jokes
Two clueless twins entered a store. The cashier checked them out and asked, “Are you girls sisters?” They both laughed. “Sisters? We aren’t even religious!”
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Two clueless twins entered a store. The cashier checked them out and asked, “Are you girls sisters?” They both laughed. “Sisters? We aren’t even religious!”
Short Jokes
I got the words Jacuzzi and Yakuzza mixed up, now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia!
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I got the words Jacuzzi and Yakuzza mixed up, now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia!
Short Jokes
I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she couldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now?
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I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she couldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now?
Short Jokes
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “You must be single?” The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you’re
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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “You must be single?” The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”
Short Jokes
What does new age music sound like played backwards? New age music.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards? New age music.
Short Jokes
Judge: “How could you swindle people who trusted in you?” Prisoner: “But, Judge, people who don’t trust you can not be swindled.”
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Judge: “How could you swindle people who trusted in you?” Prisoner: “But, Judge, people who don’t trust you can not be swindled.”
Long Jokes
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer
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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says: “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.” The new man asked: “And…what happened?” “One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!”
Long Jokes
Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. “The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Short Jokes
“Madam, your husband must have absolute rest.” “Well, Doctor, he won’t listen to me.” – “A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning.”
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“Madam, your husband must have absolute rest.” “Well, Doctor, he won’t listen to me.” – “A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning.”
Short Jokes
Phillip’s teacher asks him, “Can you name the Great Lakes?” Phillip, said, “I don’t need to. They’ve already been named.”
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Phillip’s teacher asks him, “Can you name the Great Lakes?” Phillip, said, “I don’t need to. They’ve already been named.”
Short Jokes
An old man says to the doctor: “Doctor, I lost my memory!” Doctor: “When did this start?” The old man: “When did what start!”
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An old man says to the doctor: “Doctor, I lost my memory!” Doctor: “When did this start?” The old man: “When did what start!”
Puns
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
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I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
Short Jokes
Girl: “My uncle ran congress last month!” Boy: “Really? What does he do now?” Girl: “Nothing. He got elected.”
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Girl: “My uncle ran congress last month!” Boy: “Really? What does he do now?” Girl: “Nothing. He got elected.”
Short Jokes
Prisoner: “Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!”
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Prisoner: “Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!” Doctor: “I am…bit by bit!”
Short Jokes
I started a new job as a security guard last night. Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night. I
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I started a new job as a security guard last night. Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night. I am on season 2 already but I don’t know what it has to do with security.
Puns
Q: What did the King name the extra knight? A: Sir Plus.
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Q: What did the King name the extra knight? A: Sir Plus.
Puns
A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back,
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A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, “So, how did it go?” “Fine,” she replied, “but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slip.”
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