A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket. She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away. The man replied, “That’s exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe.”

At the gates of heaven, a new arrival, George, noted that there were two paths, one marked Women and one marked Men. He took the latter path and found that it lead to two gates. The gate on the right had a sign that said: “Men who were dominated by their Wives.” The gate had a long line of men waiting to go in. The sign on the left read: “Men who dominated their Wives.” There was only a scrawny little fellow at this gate. George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, “Why are you at this gate?” The little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me to stand here.”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?” “Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”