Puns
Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships.. I came out with a Bronze.
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Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships.. I came out with a Bronze.
Puns
My iPhone fell from the 20th floor. Good thing it was in airplane mode.
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My iPhone fell from the 20th floor. Good thing it was in airplane mode.
Short Jokes
Tim: “I haven’t slept for days.” Jim: “Wow, you must be tired.” Tim: “Not really. I sleep nights.”
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Tim: “I haven’t slept for days.” Jim: “Wow, you must be tired.” Tim: “Not really. I sleep nights.”
Short Jokes
“My advice for your date is, make her think you’re well traveled, girls love it!” Meanwhile, me: “Guess how many buses it took me to get here?.”
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“My advice for your date is, make her think you’re well traveled, girls love it!” Meanwhile, me: “Guess how many buses it took me to get here?.”
Long Jokes
A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Alaskan Gold Rush town of Skagway. I’d heard how guys are the majority in that part of the
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A young woman was our guide on a tour of the old Alaskan Gold Rush town of Skagway. I’d heard how guys are the majority in that part of the country, so I asked her, “What’s the ratio of men to women here?” “In Skagway? About one to one. But I’m told Juneau has something like ten men for every woman,” she said. “Why didn’t you move there?” I asked. “The odds seem so much better.” “Oh, the odds are good,” she acknowledged with a smile, “but the goods are odd.”
Long Jokes
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took of that fish.
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Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.” Doug replied, “Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.”
Short Jokes
For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting
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For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
Long Jokes
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, “I’ll
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A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.” The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
Puns
How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
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How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
Short Jokes
Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet? You can hear a pin drop!
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Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet? You can hear a pin drop!
Puns
I took a picture of a wheat field today… It came out kind of grainy.
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I took a picture of a wheat field today… It came out kind of grainy.
Short Jokes
Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy!
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Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy!
Puns
My wife texted me “I love u”. I said that’s my favorite letter, too.
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My wife texted me “I love u”. I said that’s my favorite letter, too.
Puns
Wife: What’s the purpose of reindeer? Husband: To make the grass grow sweetie.
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Wife: What’s the purpose of reindeer? Husband: To make the grass grow sweetie.
Short Jokes
“Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me.” “What did they say?”
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“Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me.” “What did they say?”
Short Jokes
Someone broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants. I hope they’re happy.
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Someone broke in last night and stole all my anti-depressants. I hope they’re happy.
Short Jokes
I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket! As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, “you
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I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket! As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, “you can hide but you can’t run.”
Short Jokes
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
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I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
Short Jokes
What does Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name.
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What does Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They both have the same middle name.
Short Jokes
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?” Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
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My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?” Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Short Jokes
I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”. Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
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I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”. Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
Long Jokes
Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned
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Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, third to a preacher and I’m now married to an undertaker. “Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!”
Puns
I read this story where a woman gave birth in a car, and the dad named the kid Carson.
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I read this story where a woman gave birth in a car, and the dad named the kid Carson.
Puns
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke? When it is full groan.
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How do you know when a joke is a dad joke? When it is full groan.
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