Just got a job at a factory that makes bowling balls. This job is right up my alley.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas’ escape out the backdoor.

I’m in the market for either buttons or a zipper. I guess I’m really just looking for some closure.

If you’re struggling to find a job, apply to the search and rescue. They’re always looking for people.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off…

“Customer: When I bought this car, you guaranteed that you would fix anything that broke. Car dealer: Yes, that’s right. Customer: Well, I need a new garage!”

I just read that the repair of The Big Ben took more than three years. That’s a lot of time…working round the clock.

Not to brag about my finances or anything, but my bank calls me everyday to tell me that my balance is outstanding.

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room that only fits 99? You carry the 1.

My wife says I draw too many graphs, but I know where to draw the line.

I got a book titled “A Guide to Surgical Procedures”… I opened it and the appendix was missing.

Today I am mainly wearing my golfing socks…I’ve got a hole in one.

I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked. “We’re a military family,” the wife answered.”Children?” “Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.” Animals?” “Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh… I know what you’ve been doing.”

My therapist says my narcissism makes me misinterpret inter-personal communications. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me!