What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? “This is the most violent book I’ve ever read!”

Philosopher: “Impossible is nothing. Anything is possible.” Realist: “Yes, especially if you have no idea what you are talking about.”

What do you call those who fully listen to both sides of an argument? Neighbors.

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. “I operated on Mr. Lee the other day,” said the surgeon.”What for?” asked his colleague.” About $17,000.” “What did he have?” “Oh, about $17,000.”

Q: What did the chef say after he cooked the steak? A: Well done!

Troy: I’m a very famous speaker. I spoke at the Boston Gardens to thousands of people. Paul: Really? What did you say? Troy: Get your peanuts, popcorn, and cold drinks here!

The football team was losing badly. In desperation, the coach ran over to his worst player and said, “I want you to go out there and get mean and tough!” “Okay, Coach!” said the player. He jumped to his feet and asked, “Which one’s Mean and which one’s Tough?”

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!

I was shocked when I was diagnosed as colorblind…It came out of the purple.

I can’t get away from my broken keyboard. There’s no escape.

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

Mother: Does your watch tell you the ‘time? Young Son: No; I have to look at it.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

Agent: “You want your office furniture insured against theft?” Manager: “Yes, all except the clock; everybody watches it.”

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

Child: Why does Grandma spray Windex all over her Medicare co-pay invoices? Mom: She said she wants a clean bill of health.