My wife was so surprised when I bought her a new fridge for our anniversary that her face lit up when she opened it!

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer came across as an intimidating showman. After several questions, he asked, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” There was an awkward silence. All of a sudden you heard, “I do. “The lawyer looks around the courtroom, and then turns to the judge. “Your Honor, I wasn’t asking you, I was asking the jurors.”

On the first night of his grandmother’s visit, a small boy was saying his prayers. “Please Lord,” he shouted, “send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a…..” – “Why are you praying so loud?”, his older brother interrupted. “God isn’t deaf.” “I know He isn’t,” replied the boy. “But Grandma is.”

While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

Librarian: Please be quiet, Tim. Those people beside you can’t read! Tim: Wow, I’ve have been able to read since I was eight!

A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”“ Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”

Charlie: “Hey, Mom, tomorrow there’s a small PTA meeting.” Mom: “What do you mean by “small?” Charlie: “Well, it’s just you, me, and the principal.”

Teacher: “The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.” Chloe: “How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?”

A bartender broke up with his girlfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

Jeanne: “Mom, I got a hundred in school today!” Mom: “Good job! What did you get a hundred in?” Jeanne: “In two things. I got a forty in math and a sixty in spelling.”

Principal: This is the fourth time you’ve been in my office this week. What do you have to say for yourself? Sam: I’m so glad today is Friday!

“Dad, I watched a guy do fifty push-ups in a row today. Could you do that?” “Sure, son, I could probably watch a guy do a hundred push-ups!”

I asked my wife to buy a single thyme plant while she was at the nursery, because that’s all the room I have left in my planter. She came back with two plants because they were on sale. I guess she two thymed me.

Tracy hadn’t talked to her grandparents for a while and decided she should call and update them. “I’ve had a terrible time since we last spoke” she told them. “First off I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got rheumatism, and to top it of they gave me hypodermics and inoculations. I thought I would never get through that spelling bee!”

Harold comes home from work one day. “I’m home, honey!” he says to his wife Joan. “You can serve the salad.” Joan tilts her head curiously. “How did you know we were having salad, dear?”Harold replies, “I didn’t smell anything burning.”

Teacher: “If I cut a steak in two, then cut the halves in two, what do I get?” Student: “Quarters.” Teacher: “Very good. And what would I get if I cut it again?” Student: “Eighths.” Teacher: “Great job! And if I cut it again?” Student: “Sixteenths.” Teacher: “Wonderful! And again?” Student: “Hamburger”

“What’s the plural of baby?” Student: “Twins!”

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Jonathan raised his hand and said, “Miss Franklin, I ain’t got no crayons.” “Jonathan,” Miss Franklin said, “you mean, ‘I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons.” “Well,” said Jonathan, “what happened to all the crayons?

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad…It’s 5050!