Husband: “Sweetheart, would you say that I’m the only man you’ve ever loved?” Wife: “Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question?”

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.” The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”. The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No” says the boy, “he minded his own business.”

Teacher: “How old is your father?” Johnny: “As old as I am.” Teacher: “How is it possible?” Little Johnny: “He became father only after I was born.”

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his friend. He replies, “Two weeks.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying ‘Parking Fine.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?” Me: “Honesty.” Boss: “I don’t consider that a weakness.” Me: “I don’t care what you think, you’re an ugly guy.’”

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…details are sketchy.

The following conversation took place at bar: Customer: “What’s the WiFi password?” Barman: “You need to buy a drink first. Customer: “Ok, I’ll have a coke.” Barman: “$10 please.” Customer: “There you go. So what’s the WIFI password?” Barman: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

I was right in the middle of my math exam when the professor snatched away my pocket abacus. I was upset! I had been counting on that.

I wasn’t that hungry, so I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds. His mother was furious.

After 30 years of marriage to Florence, Jim the plumber decided to leave his wife. The note on the table simply read…”It’s over Flo.”

I loaned my friend $20,000 for his plastic surgery but now I don’t know what he looks like!

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, “See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! “John replies, “Well, that’s fine, Pastor. But I can’t bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. “