My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.

I can’t jump over a cow, but you should check out my calves.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, “We fought again, I can’t do this anymore. I am coming to live with you.”Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

Patient: “Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.” Doctor: “Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.”

Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.

90% of all electric vehicles are still on the road…the other 10% made it home.

In high school I did well on the SAT but not to good on the MON through FRI.

I was positive my friend wanted to be a graffiti artist. I could see the writing on the wall.

I was arrested at the airport, just because I was greeting my cousin. All that I said was “Hi Jack!”

Customer: “Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.” Waitress: “Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.”

It turns out that moist people don’t notice small typos.