My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, “Heads up, she’s expecting a baby.” Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”

“Dad! You just make up rules!” “I do not. Like what?” “Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.” “Well, that is what happened to your older brother.” “I have an older brother?”

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, “Why doesn’t the stork recognize me?”

Innkeeper: “The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you make your own bed.” Guest: “I’ll make my own bed.” Innkeeper: “Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.”

I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel! She’s slowly coming around now.

I’ve opened three birthday cards and I’m already $150 up. I love being a postman!

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing…he said – “Just checking my balance.”

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings. When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren’t remotely funny.

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

A Mexican magician told his audience he’d disappear on the count of three. He began counting: “Uno… Dos…” *POOF* – then he disappeared without a tres.