Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.” “OK: He’s most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.” “How can you say all that without even meeting him?” “I thought you said he’s 13?”

Bambi, a young gal in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the States, and asked them how many States they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the States. One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, “How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?” “I’m the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I’m very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!” The driver shakes the young man’s hand and replies, “Congratulations, young man. I’m George, class of 1968.”

The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. When called upon the first student says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.” Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” Teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct.” Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher replied, “No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion.” The student replies, “Then I definitely pooped in my pants.”

A doctor goes into a mental hospital one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor. He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer “We’re diving into the pool”. Only one of them sits aside watching them. “I see you’re not diving into the pool” the doctor says. The patient replies “I’m the lifeguard.”