I’ve never had a poached egg…all my eggs have been acquired legally with a permit.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. The mail fly swoops down net to her and says, “Excuse me, but is this stool taken?”

I identify as a comedian. My pronouns are he he.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Whenever i have a headache, I take two asprins and keep away from the children, like the bottle says.

Lady: “Is this my train?” Station Master: “No, it belongs to the railway company.” Lady: “Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York.” Station Master: “No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.”

It wasn’t school that Johnny disliked…it was the principal of it.

A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, “Who’s first?”

Girls that don’t get asked out as often as their friends can feel outdated.

I asked the bus driver “How long will the next bus be?” He replied “Same length as this one.”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.