A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions.

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn’t exist.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

I failed math so many times in school I lost count.

The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget. “That child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked. “No,” said the dad. “They all smell this way.”

I’m a kleptomaniac, but I’m taking something for it.

Did you heart the actor that fell through the stage? He was just going through a stage.

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Believe in yourself. If cauliflower can become pizza, then you can do anything.

I’m not saying that I’m a bad driver…but when I drive, my navigation device doesn’t speak, it prays in Latin.

Has anyone else used WD-40 to get rid of mice? It didn’t work for me, but it did stop the squeaking.