Yesterday, I had to change a lightbulb, so I went to the hardware store to buy a bulb. I followed a chicken across the street. Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no legs. When I got home, I heard a knock-knock at my door. There stood Little Johnny. And it was then I realized: my life is just one big joke!

Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue. “Things have really gotten crazy here,” the first man says. “Did you know the football coach makes three times the salary as the head of the English department?” The second man responds, “Well, that kind of makes sense. I’m pretty sure 100,000 screaming fans wouldn’t show up on Saturday for a lecture on Shakespeare.”

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him. Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.” “I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.” “Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.” I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

A man walked into a bar and saw two enormous porterhouses hanging from the ceiling. He asked the bartender, “Hey, barkeep. What’s with the meat on your ceiling?” The bartender put down the glass we was diligently cleaning. “I bet everyone who comes in here $20 that they can’t pull one of them down,” replied the bartender. “Care to try?” “Oh no”, said the man, “The steaks are too high.”

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes. Patient: And how much will it cost? Dentist: It’s $90.00. Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like?

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right. “Fine.” I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye, and said, “I’m wrong.”I grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

A 4-year-old boy was asked to say a prayer before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, and even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”