A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. “A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

A man walked into a bar and saw two enormous porterhouses hanging from the ceiling. He asked the bartender, “Hey, barkeep. What’s with the meat on your ceiling?” The bartender put down the glass he was diligently cleaning. “I bet everyone who comes in here $20 that they can’t pull one of them down,” replied the bartender. “Care to try?” “Oh no”, said the man, “The steaks are too high.”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, Mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?” – “Watch”, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

True story. Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.” Customer: “OK.” Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?” Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?” Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale. “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied. “Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”