A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. When he landed at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree, and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers, and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed, and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy Bird turned to Daddy Bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell the wife?” They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.” Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home. “The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.