Top 10 things to say if you’re caught napping at your desk: # 10. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.” # 9. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.” # 8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!” # 7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.” # 6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.” # 5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?” # 4. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.” # 3. “The coffee machine is broken.” # 2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.” # 1. “– in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Actually said in court: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

I went for an interview today and they told me I’d start at $3000 a month and then after six months, I’d get $3500 a month. I told them I’d start in six months.

Actual News Headlines: Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures — Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge — Deer Kill 17,000 — Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead — Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge — New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you. “The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Actual Signs: At a plastic surgeon’s office – “We can help you pick your nose!” At a car dealership – “The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a payment!” At an optometrist’s office – “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” At the electric company – “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. however, if you don’t, you will be.”

Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.” So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch, please.” The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.” The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line —

“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?” “He is.” “Did he donate $10,000 to the church?” “He will.”

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.” I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

A clueless young man is picking up a girl to go on a date. Her dad looked at him very sternly and said, “I want her home by midnight, young man!” – The young man replied, “What do you mean? You already own her home!”

My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately, I have no idea what she looks like these days.

A couple sits on a sofa. He has a foot odor and she has a mouth odor. After a moment of awkward silence, she says, “Paul, I have to tell you something.” “No need,” Paul raises his hand, “it’s OK. I know you ate my socks.”

My wife accused me of not liking her family and relatives. I replied, No, I don’t dislike your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man’s wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says ‘Plethora.’ The wife smiles, and says, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re not impressed with his tattoos, haircut, and piercings. Later the mom says to her daughter, “I’m concerned dear, he doesn’t look like a nice man.” The daughter replied, “Oh please Mom, if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service.”

Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise. ”After a few minutes of haggling. The boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave. “By the way,’ asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, ‘which three companies are after you?” Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the heck was that all about?’