A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it. “The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me. “The man looked somewhat upset as he said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”

A woman tells her doctor she can’t seem to lose any weight. He says, “Oh, no problem, just don’t eat anything fatty. “She goes, “You mean like burgers and fries? “He goes, “No. Don’t eat anything. ‘Fatty’.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks. The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, “Can you all see me now? “And they respond: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

My therapist says my narcissism makes me misinterpret inter-personal communications. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me!

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh… I know what you’ve been doing.”

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked. “We’re a military family,” the wife answered.”Children?” “Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.” Animals?” “Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.

Today I am mainly wearing my golfing socks…I’ve got a hole in one.

On her way back from the concession stand, Marge asked a man at the end of the row, “Excuse me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?” Expecting an apology, the man said, “Yes, you did.” Marge nodded. “Oh, good. Then this is my row.”

Two clueless fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. “We should mark the spot,” he said. The second man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker.“ That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out, we may not get the same boat.”

Two guys on a tandem bike were pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, “Whew, that was so hard.” The second replied, “If I hadn’t been pushing the brakes the whole time, we would have rolled down backwards.”

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven into the living room. “How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!

A police officer stops a man for speeding and asks if he could see his license. He replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

My wife’s cooking is so bad…How bad? So bad, the flies are taking up a collection to get the screen door fixed.

Q: What did the chef say after he cooked the steak? A: Well done!

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. “I operated on Mr. Lee the other day,” said the surgeon.”What for?” asked his colleague.” About $17,000.” “What did he have?” “Oh, about $17,000.”

What do you call those who fully listen to both sides of an argument? Neighbors.

Philosopher: “Impossible is nothing. Anything is possible.” Realist: “Yes, especially if you have no idea what you are talking about.”

What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? “This is the most violent book I’ve ever read!”

“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?” “Yeah: if something can go wrong, it will.” “Right. Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” “No. What’s that?” “Thinly sliced cabbage.”

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner. ”The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”

I’ve got this disease where I can’t stop making airport puns. The doctor says it terminal.

?Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.