Harold comes home from work one day. “I’m home, honey!” he says to his wife Joan. “You can serve the salad.” Joan tilts her head curiously. “How did you know we were having salad, dear?”Harold replies, “I didn’t smell anything burning.”

Tracy hadn’t talked to her grandparents for a while and decided she should call and update them. “I’ve had a terrible time since we last spoke” she told them. “First off I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got rheumatism, and to top it of they gave me hypodermics and inoculations. I thought I would never get through that spelling bee!”

I asked my wife to buy a single thyme plant while she was at the nursery, because that’s all the room I have left in my planter. She came back with two plants because they were on sale. I guess she two thymed me.

“Dad, I watched a guy do fifty push-ups in a row today. Could you do that?” “Sure, son, I could probably watch a guy do a hundred push-ups!”

Principal: This is the fourth time you’ve been in my office this week. What do you have to say for yourself? Sam: I’m so glad today is Friday!

Jeanne: “Mom, I got a hundred in school today!” Mom: “Good job! What did you get a hundred in?” Jeanne: “In two things. I got a forty in math and a sixty in spelling.”

A bartender broke up with his girlfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

Teacher: “The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.” Chloe: “How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?”

Charlie: “Hey, Mom, tomorrow there’s a small PTA meeting.” Mom: “What do you mean by “small?” Charlie: “Well, it’s just you, me, and the principal.”

A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”“ Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”

Librarian: Please be quiet, Tim. Those people beside you can’t read! Tim: Wow, I’ve have been able to read since I was eight!

While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

On the first night of his grandmother’s visit, a small boy was saying his prayers. “Please Lord,” he shouted, “send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a…..” – “Why are you praying so loud?”, his older brother interrupted. “God isn’t deaf.” “I know He isn’t,” replied the boy. “But Grandma is.”

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer came across as an intimidating showman. After several questions, he asked, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” There was an awkward silence. All of a sudden you heard, “I do. “The lawyer looks around the courtroom, and then turns to the judge. “Your Honor, I wasn’t asking you, I was asking the jurors.”

My wife was so surprised when I bought her a new fridge for our anniversary that her face lit up when she opened it!

It is truly said that children brighten a home…they never turn off the lights.

When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place. “It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room, Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad.

It was local election time, and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area. At one house, a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man,” said the politician, “is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?” “Neither,” said the child. “She’s in the bathroom.”

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

Two kids went into their parents’ bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” said one youngster to the other, “don’t step on it!” “Why not?” asked the sibling. “Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful loud scream.

Lizzie: “Mommy, Zach broke my baby doll.” Mommy: “I’m sorry, sweetheart. How did it happen?” Lizzie: “I hit him over the head with it.”

Elizabeth: “My mom has the worst memory. Melissa: “She forgets everything?” Elizabeth: “No, she remembers everything.”

A young girl comes into her dad’s room and tells her dad – “Dad, I’m glad you named me Amanda”. Dad: Why? A manda: It’s because that’s what everyone calls me!

“Great news, Dad!” Dad: “What’s the great news?” Son: “You don’t have to buy me any new books next year. I’m taking all of the same courses again.”