At the beginning of math class, the teacher asked, “Timmy, what are 3 and 6 and 27and 45?” Timmy quickly answered, “NBC, CBS, ESPN, and the Cartoon Network!

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad…It’s 5050!

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Jonathan raised his hand and said, “Miss Franklin, I ain’t got no crayons.” “Jonathan,” Miss Franklin said, “you mean, ‘I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons.” “Well,” said Jonathan, “what happened to all the crayons?

“What’s the plural of baby?” Student: “Twins!”

Teacher: “If I cut a steak in two, then cut the halves in two, what do I get?” Student: “Quarters.” Teacher: “Very good. And what would I get if I cut it again?” Student: “Eighths.” Teacher: “Great job! And if I cut it again?” Student: “Sixteenths.” Teacher: “Wonderful! And again?” Student: “Hamburger”

I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

A man was purchasing a fountain pen. “I suppose this is to be a surprise, Sir?” asked the clerk. “Oh, yes it is,” replied the man. “It’s my son’s birthday, and he asked for a new car.

My husband was walking in his sleep so I put a vacuum cleaner in his hand.

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.

Mary had a little lamb…And two nurses passed out in the delivery room.

What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.

I committed a crime during Oktoberfest, and my friend ratted on me to the cops. Man, what a schnitz.

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

Waitress: “Have I kept you waiting long?” Customer: “No, but did you know that there are 3,296 squares on the ceiling?”

The restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous…So many of my first dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I thought you were going to count calories,” Lois gently reminded her friend Karla as she consumed her second milkshake. “Oh, I am,” said Karla. “So far today, I’m at 5,760.”

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

When I was a kid, my teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?”

Do you ever help your little brother Andrew? Andrew: Yes, Auntie, I helped him to spend the five dollars you gave him yesterday!

A preacher stepped to the pulpit with an adhesive bandage on his chin. “I’m sorry about this,” he said self-consciously. “I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon.” Someone from the congregation replied, “Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?”

Teacher: “What happened in 1809? Eddie: Abraham Lincoln was born. Teacher: “Right. Now, what happened in 1812? Eddie: “He turned three years old.”

Mother: “Kids, what are you arguing about?” David: “Oh, there isn’t any argument. Lisa thinks I’m not going to give her half of my candy, and I think the same thing.”

Running feels great…until you compare it to not running.

Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food.”