I wasn’t that hungry, so I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds. His mother was furious.

I was right in the middle of my math exam when the professor snatched away my pocket abacus. I was upset! I had been counting on that.

The following conversation took place at bar: Customer: “WhatÂ’s the WiFi password?” Barman: “You need to buy a drink first. Customer: “Ok, IÂ’ll have a coke.” Barman: “$10 please.” Customer: “There you go. So whatÂ’s the WIFI password?” Barman: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…details are sketchy.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Boss: “WhatÂ’s your biggest weakness?” Me: “Honesty.” Boss: “I donÂ’t consider that a weakness.” Me: “I donÂ’t care what you think, you’re an ugly guy.’”

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying ‘Parking Fine.

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his friend. He replies, “Two weeks.

Teacher: “How old is your father?” Johnny: “As old as I am.” Teacher: “How is it possible?” Little Johnny: “He became father only after I was born.”

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.” The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”. The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No” says the boy, “he minded his own business.”

A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, “You can stay but don’t try to start anything.”

My favorite animal is my dog, because every time I ask him, “How do I look?”…He always answers me by saying, “Wow! Wow!”

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, “See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY! “John replies, “Well, that’s fine, Pastor. But I can’t bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. “

I loaned my friend $20,000 for his plastic surgery but now I don’t know what he looks like!

Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?” “My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”

Why didn’t anyone want to eat next to the basketball team? Because they dribble too much.

Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!” The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he wonÂ’t pay up. What should I do?” “Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer. “Nope,” replied the man. “OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the lawyer. “But it’s only $500,” replied the man. “Precisely. ThatÂ’s what he will reply and then youÂ’ll have your proof!”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!” “Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

Little Penny sees Little Millie coming back from girl scouts with several new badges. Penny: “Say, what didja get that badge for? “Millie: “For singing. “Penny: “Ooh, nice! And what didja get that badge for?” Millie: “For not singing anymore.”

WhatÂ’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.