90% of all electric vehicles are still on the road…the other 10% made it home.

My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.

Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

Patient: “Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.” Doctor: “Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.”

Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!

My mom bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn’t find the words to thank her.

I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…I call it my jingle bell rock.

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

You have a music test today? Did you study your notes?

What would happen if a fish was elected mayor? It might open a can of worms.

Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of water? Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O. Teacher: What is this? Paul: Well!! you said it is H2O.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked. The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would jump out of the window if you came to visit us again.”

Me: I know a guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who?

Teacher: “Tomorrow there will be a lecture on the Sun. Everyone must attend it.” Raju: “No Ma’am! I will not be able to attend it.” Teacher: “Why?” Raju: “My mother will not allow me to travel that far!!!”

Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?” Doctor: “By cheque, money order, or cash.”

“I’ve started investing on stocks. Mostly beef, chicken and vegetable…one day I hope to be a boullionaire.”

The sign on the door read “Press”. I did. The door opened. The room was full of journalist.

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. “Johnny,” the teacher asked, “where is the decimal point now?” “On the eraser!” came back the quick reply.

A golfer was thrashing through the bushes, searching for his lost ball, while a sweet little old lady watched him from her porch. Finally, the exasperated golfer moaned, “I give up!” The old lady said, “Excuse me, young man. Is it against the rules if I just tell you where it is?”

“After hours of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

Have you heard about the new corduray pillows? They’re making headlines.

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”His mother says, “Heaven, Johnny.”Johnny says, “Geez, I can see why they threw him out.”

A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: “Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!” The priest inquired: “Why must you pray so, my child?” Girl: “That’s what I’ve written in my answer sheet in the examination!”

Patient: “Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.” Doctor: “Next please!”