A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant. “No, no, no!”, said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. “Don’t be angry at your sister,” the mother says. “She doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.” A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, “Now she knows.”

Guest to a waiter: “I’m actually quite sorry we haven’t discovered your restaurant earlier.” Waiter: “Oh, that’s nice. So you liked it here?” Guest: “No, but earlier, that meat might have still been OK.”

“My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”

The Hodja always wanted to learn some-thing new, and one day he had a sudden inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He approached a music teacher and asked him, “How much do you charge for private lute lessons?” “Three silver pieces for the first month; after that one silver piece a month.” “Oh, great!” exclaimed Hodja. “Then I’ll start with the second month.

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

Dad: “You brought me the wrong boots, son. Can’t you see that one of them is black and the other brown?” Son: “Yes, dad, but your other pair is just the same.”

Little girl to policeman: “Please, sir, will you take my little brother home? He’s lost.” Policeman: “Why can’t you take him home?” Girl: “Because I’m lost too.”

Little boy: “I et four eggs for breakfast this morning. “Big sister: “You mean ate.” Little boy: “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I et eight eggs for breakfast this morning.”

As I was walking along a street in a smalltown a man came up to me and asked, “What time is it? I looked at my watch and answered, “It’s five o’clock.” “I must be going crazy,” said the man. “All day long I keep getting different answers.

Smiffy: What is today’s date? Toots: I dunno. Smiffy: Why don’t you look at that newspaper that’s on the table? Toots: That’s no use – it’s yesterday’s newspaper

It’s been really hot this summer. The other day I saw a robin pulling a worm out of the ground using potholders.

When the genie granted me one wish, I replied, “All I want is to be Happy.” And that’s why I now live in a cottage with six dwarves and work in a mine!

“A newly married man asks his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?” “Darling,” the woman replies sweetly, “I’d have married you no matter who left a you a fortune.”

Facebook: I know everybody. Google: I can find anything you want. Wikipedia: I know everything. Internet: You’re so funny. None of that would work without me. Electricity: Leeeet’s not get hasty, shall we?

The squirrels must be expecting a cold winter. They’re gathering more nuts than usual. Yesterday my sister disappeared.

Judge asks the defendant, “Why did you steal that car, Mr. Jones?” Mr. Jones looks down, “I just had to get to work for an important meeting.” The judge keeps asking, “Well why didn’t you take a bus?” Mr. Jones looks up, surprised, “Don’t you need a special license to drive the bus?”

A couple goes to a restaurant and the wife excuses herself to go to the bathroom. In the meantime, the waiter approaches to take their order. The husband says, “I’ll have a beer.” The waiter asks: “And what about your wife? Do you want a beer for her?” Man: “You know what, that’s a fair trade. Deal!”

Little Mario came home from school crying. “Mom! At school, everybody calls me mafioso.” “Don’t worry, son. I’ll talk to that principal tomorrow.” “Thanks, Mom. Please make it look like an accident.”

Paul: “I’ve got problems with mathematics.” Michael: “Me too.” Eric: “Yeah, that makes four of us.”

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer. He said to me, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”

Boarding the aircraft for the first time, Judy settled into a window seat in the quietest part of the plane. A man came over and politely said, “Ma’am, you’re in my seat.” “Go away and find another seat!” Judy replied. He said, “Okay, fine, you fly the plane.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?” Husband: “With a minute of silence.”.