Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy? Tommy: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later. Dad: Why? Tommy: I loaned it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.” The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points. “I see the Sun,” answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, “Holy cow…how much further do you want to see?!”

A guy goes to the Doctors and he says “Doctor, I’m really worried about my brother, he thinks he’s a Hen!” The Doctor says “well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?”, and the guy says “Don’t be stupid, we need the eggs!”

A gardener picks up horse droppings off the road. This interests a passerby: “What do you do with the droppings? ”Gardener: “I sprinkle it on my strawberries. ”Passerby: “Funny, we usually use sugar…”

The magic genie agreed to grant three men a wish each. The first man wished for a room full of gold. The second man wished for a room full of diamonds. The third man wished for keys to those rooms.

Son: Mum, where were you when I was born? Mother: In the hospital. Son: And daddy? Mother: At work. Son: That’s great. So nobody was home when I arrived.

Arriving late for a political conference, the college student asks another student standing by the door, “How long has the candidate been talking now?” “Half an hour.” “And what is he talking about?” “That I wouldn’t know, he hasn’t said.”

Husband on phone: “I’m in the interview now. They want to know if I can think independently…what should I tell them?”

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train. ”The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll be able to catch the 4:11 train”

A venomous snake bites a guy. His friend screams, “Oh no, you’ve only got 10 minutes to live! This is a brutally venomous snake!” – The guy says, “Ok, call the doctor and make it bite me again and again so I can gain some time!”

A ten-year-old boy comes to his mom and asks her for a snack. “Sure thing, darling, but first, what’s the magic word?” “Wow,” the boy shakes his head, “they really put a password on everything these days!”

Him: “How is it possible that your single?” Her: “You’re

A policeman came to my door yesterday and asked, “Where were you between four and six?” So, I said, “Probably either in kindergarten or first grade.”

A drunk man arrives for his day in court. He appears before the judge, who looks down at his case file and says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk man smiles widely and says, “Great! Let’s start the drinking!”

An old teacher asked her students… “if I say I am beautiful, what tense is that?” A student replied…”It’s obviously past tense.”

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. “Oh no, I look like a pig! “The man nods, “Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!”

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee? ”Lawyer says: “$1000 for 3 questions. ”Man: “Wow – thats so much, isn’t it a bit expensive? ”Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

At a job Interview: Interviewer: “What are your strengths?” Applicant: “I take matters in my own hands.” Interviewer: “Ok, thank you. We will contact you.” Applicant: “No, I will contact you.”

Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: “You’ll never get me up in one of those things!”

A British man leaves on vacation to Australia. Once he arrives, the customs guard asks him, “Do you have any criminal record?” The British man looks a bit worried and responds, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that was still required.”

Photographer to young man: “It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder. “Father: “It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket.”

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers. “I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.” “All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarled, “Here they are!” “Here are what?”, the startled lawyer asked. “Grounds for divorce.”

I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night. The doorman said to me, “Sorry sir, you’ve had too many.” Confused, I replied, “What, drinks?” “No, sir, birthdays!”