David's Clean Jokes

Short Jokes

I walked past a farm, and a sign said, Duck, eggs. I thought that was an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.

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194

Short Jokes

I bought a new refrigerator. You should have seen my wife’s face light up when she opened it!

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654

Short Jokes

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet.

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941

Short Jokes

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

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34

Short Jokes

How does a coffee snob take their coffee? Seriously. Very seriously.

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230

Short Jokes

I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

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1179

Short Jokes

Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically. Buy the dip.

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409

Short Jokes

If at first, you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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431

Short Jokes

Whats the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

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678

Short Jokes

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

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724

Short Jokes

Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke? It’s not funny until everyone gets it.

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135

Short Jokes

I like to swap the M and N keys on people’s keyboards at the office. Some would say that I’m a monster, but I would say I’m a nomster.

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784

Short Jokes

Pulled out a nose hair today to see it if hurt — judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the plane, it seems pretty painful

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1154

Short Jokes

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet assembled by the end of the weekend.

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160

Short Jokes

I sympathize with batteries. Im not included in anything either.

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922

Short Jokes

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, and he said he couldnt complain.

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175

Short Jokes

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example Jane at her friend’s sandwich vs Jane at her friend’s colon.

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507

Short Jokes

Did you hear about the restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.

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544

Short Jokes

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for children,” and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.

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1030

Short Jokes

My friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.?

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724

Short Jokes

I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits? He said, How flexible are you? I said, I cant make Tuesdays.

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301

Short Jokes

Putting my car in reverse really takes me back.

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393

Short Jokes

I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

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696

Short Jokes

Tough guy Chuck Norris is so amazing, he learned to read and write from a book that he wrote.

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566