A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”“ Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the circus manager. “I have the most unusual act,” he announces. “I’m sure it will amaze you. “He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The manager says, “Is that all you’ve got is bird impressions?”

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness,” her mother explained, “and today is the happiest day in her life.” The child thought for a moment and then asked, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

Three mice are sitting around boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says, “Mouse traps are nothing! I do push-ups with the bar.” The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, “That was rat poison.” The third mouse got up to leave. The first mouse says, “Where do you think you’re going?” “It’s time to go home and chase the cat.

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. “I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It’s so sanitary the whole place shines.” “Please,” said the other roach, frowning. “Not while I’m eating.”

Julia tells her husband, “James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving people. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. “Now, why can’t you do that?” “Gosh,” Julia says, “Why I hardly know the girl.”

A Cub Scout troop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely: “Why are you so late?” “Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.” “That’s a nice, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.” “Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”

His exam complete, a nervous patient asks, “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia, and finally he died of typhoid.” “You don’t have to worry about that,” the doc tells the patient reassuringly. “If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia.”

Dentist begging the patient: “Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?” Patient: “Why? Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time. “Dentist: “There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock ball game.”

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention. “Johnny,” she said, “if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?” Johnny answered, “Thirty-four.” The teacher replied, “Well, that’s not far from my age. Tell me … how did you guess?” “Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Johnny said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

The social studies teacher had just completed a lesson on war and peace. “How many of you,” the teacher asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?” Not surprisingly, every student in the class raised their hand.” Who would like to give us their reason for being opposed to war?” asked the teacher. Little Johnny, sitting at the back of the class, immediately raised his hand.” Johnny, what is your reason?” the teacher asked.” I hate wars,” explained Johnny, “because wars make history, and I hate History.”

Little Johnny had the flu and wasn’t able to attend the Palm Sunday church service with his family. When they returned home from the service, they were carrying palm branches. “What are those?” Little Johnny asked his mother. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his mother explained. “Well, doesn’t that just figure,” grumbled Little Johnny. “The one Sunday I can’t go to church, and Jesus shows up.”

The children in the Sunday school class were asked by their teacher to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. When she looked at little Ricky’s picture, she was puzzled to see that he had drawn four people in an airplane, so she asked him which story it represented. Little Ricky replied, “That’s the Flight to Egypt.” “Oh, I see,” said the teacher. “That must be Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, but who’s the fourth person?” “That’s Pontius … the Pilot!” answered Ricky.

Bambi, a young gal in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.” “OK: He’s most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.” “How can you say all that without even meeting him?” “I thought you said he’s 13?”

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the States, and asked them how many States they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the States. One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

Jack tells his shrink, “Last night I dreamed you were my mother.” “How did you feel about it after you woke up?” asks the psychiatrist. “I overslept,” answers Jack. “Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn’t really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?” “A Coke and some cookies?” says the psychiatrist. “You call that breakfast?”

A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: “I have good news and bad news. “Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg.” Patient: “That’s terrible! What’s the good news?” Doctor: “We think the other leg is going to make it alright.”

After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. “When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.” “Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?” the woman asked. “You’re not drinking enough water.”

He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. “But how’s his academics?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a just little crooked.”

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, “What’s your handicap?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied. “Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player. “Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones.”

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” “Right after the National Anthem.”

A doctor goes into a mental hospital one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor. He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer “We’re diving into the pool”. Only one of them sits aside watching them. “I see you’re not diving into the pool” the doctor says. The patient replies “I’m the lifeguard.”