I nearly got a tattoo of my life motto the other day. “Never back out.”

I used to not like Newtons cookies, but now they’re my favorite snack. Go fig.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, “What companies?” I replied, “Gas, water, and electricity.”

A police officer stops a young woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

I had a job as a street cleaner. No formal training, I just picked it up as I went along.

People say the man who sold me invisible hearing aids is a con-man, but I don’t want to hear it.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Don’t read it.

My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.

An old deaf guy gets fitted for a hearing aid, and it works like a charm. He comes back a week later and the doctor asks, “Is your family happy that you can hear again?” And he says, “I haven’t told them, I just sit around and listen… I have changed my will three times!

What does Santa Claus say when he loses his hearing aid? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is.

A pizza delivery man hands a monk a pizza. The monk then pays for it with a $20 bill. As the delivery man starts to walk away, the Buddhist then says, Where’s my change?” The delivery man replies, “Change comes from within.”